Anna. 32. Polish. Tv, theatre, video games. And some other stuff. Forever crying over Luisa Alver, Rose Solano, Chuck, Fringe, Mass Effect, Carol (2015) dir. Todd Haynes, and female characters who deserved better. ミ☆ This blog is mostly queue. Permanent hiatus because of long covid
Today is the last day of my 20s. I’ve wasted the first eight years on depression and anxiety, and long covid stole the last two and my life as a whole from me. My queue finally ran out a month or two ago after two years, since it’s not like I was actually to be able on here, after being here all day every day for ten years. So I guess this is it.
I am utterly and completely exhausted every second of every day, in pain all over my body every second of every day. I don’t remember what it’s like to feel any sort of rest anymore. I can’t move my head a millimeter without feeling dizzy and. My body feels heavy, so heavy, even though I’d actually lost 25kg and I’m not overweight for the first time since high school. I live in a dark room full time and I spend half the day with white noise on cause I can’t tolerate the sounds my parents make just living their life in their own apartment, cooking, cleaning etc
I’m deteriorating with every month and there’s no way for me to know when the day comes that I’m fully bedridden, fully unable to tolerate any light or sound, fully unable to stand on my feet.
I’ve watched one movie and two tv show seasons in the last two years as I’m no longer able to watch things, to handle the light and movement, to easily process what I’m seeing and hearing. The last thing I watched was about a year ago and by then I was already struggling to follow the plot, properly process what I was seeing and hearing.
I just can’t believe everybody gets to live their life as if nothing ever happened and I’m left severely disabled and will never get to live anything remotely similar to a normal life. I left the house once this year. Everybody’s just living, at the very least watching shows and playing games and I can’t even do that. I will never go to on a vacation or to a concert or to theatre again and that breaks my heart into a million pieces
Pride month is on, such fun, I’ll spend it in bed, alone, for the rest of my life. Hey anybody know of anyone who wants to date me while I can’t leave the house and I can’t move my limbs much? No? Long covid made me lose every close friend, any chance at having a job, dating, living without assistance. I will now forever be living with my parents, unable to even take care of my room or myself.
I always thought I would one day be on social media a lot less and watch fewer shows and movies because I finally got a life. It never even crossed my mind that I would stop doing all that stuff because any life I had would be taken away from me by an illness.
You just never know if something’s gonna happen out of nowhere and ruin your life forever, with no way of things ever getting better, with no way of getting better. You’re always hearing about people’s lives being ruined by severe illness or accidents. You never expect it to happen to you. I had a ‘cold’ and now I have brain and heart damage among dozen other things and will never get to do anything besides sit in my room too exhausted and too braindead to do anything. My life is one cruel fucking joke. Do you know what it’s like to live knowing this is what your life is always going to be like? Do you know what it’s like to mourn your life while still being alive? It’s torture.
I cherish every friendship I made on here and I’m incredibly sad I’m not able to continue them. I miss you all. I’ll probably pop up here once or twice a year for eurovision or tonys or something (although I don’t know a single thing about the nominations this year, not even their names) if I’m at all able to
